A Working Day Script Extract Re-Write

INT: OFFICE BUILDING CORRIDOR - DAY

SALLY

I have the client prep meeting with Sam later.

BEN

Are you looking forward to it?

Sally replies sarcastically.

SALLY

Oh course! But on a serious note Sam's not that bad.

BEN

How can he not be bad though, he doesn't stop singing!

SALLY

He's cute when he sings though! There's something that just makes him a bit a bit sweet!

BEN

You're calling him cute, he's half your age!?

SALLY

It doesn't matter, I've been single for a while.

BEN

Not that you could tell..

Sally starts to sing.

SALLY

Half past twelve and I'm watching the late show in my flat all alone, how I hate to spend the evening on my own! Autumn winds blowing outside the window as I look around the room. And it makes me so depressed to see the gloom.

Her friend Paul joins them.

BEN

Well it's clear that you like him even if you won't admit it so why don't you ask him out?

PAUL
We talking about the music man?

SALLY

If you mean Sam, I don't like him.

Ben

If you don't like him then promise me Sally!

SALLY

Ben, lets leave it there!

PAUL
You really like Sam? Oh Sally!

SALLY
I didn't say that, Sam works hard and has a positive attitude. I'll see you after the meeting.

Sally walks into the meeting room.

CUT TO:

Black

Feedback:

brianna, I like the re-write better. It's more detailed. I like it how you added extra dialogue to some of the characters. It gave me more of an idea what kind of person they are. 

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by bexster

really love the original but the re write is really strong aswell it still feels the same but i love it !! 

mwahhhhhh, x

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yarrum mas | sam murray

a lot more realistic, I can imagine this convosation actually happening! Really good!

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Charlee

Love the rewritten one its more upbeat for a musical 

(the first one as sally..... think i know that person mmmmm) 

I agree that the second version was better as it was more realistic in terms of dialogue. I found it easy to re-write it as I condensed it quite well. I found the repetition task a bit harder as I couldn't see any repetitive points in there.